One year on..

On the 18th of december 2014 I was told by the doctors at my local hospital "We think you have leukaemia".

I clung onto the word 'think' until the next day when it was clarified that I did in fact, at 17, have cancer. So today is the day I consider it being a year since I was diagnosed. The news that broke my heart & changed my life forever. The news that has formed me into the strong person I am today.

Unhappy 1st birthday to my cancer! Too bad, you didn't win this time.

I found my sense of tumour

A cancer conference? Doesn't exactly sound like my cup of tea. A cancer conference held at Center Parcs? Well, pass me the sugar.

It sound's extremely selfish of me to decide to go on a cancer charity weekend due to its destination, but that is what attracted my attention at first. And to be honest, I am so glad it did.

The Teenage Cancer Trust run's two 'Find Your Sense of Tumour' weekends each year. One weekend for the under 18's and another weekend for over 18's. The conference was full of inspirational talks, presentations, celebrity speakers, play's, on-site workshops and complementary therapies. The weekend itself gave young people, just like me, the opportunity to widen their knowledge on their own cancer diagnosis and other cancer's that affect young people. The inspirational talks allowed people to share their personal experiences that others were able to relate too. Most importantly, the weekend allowed young people that have been in the same or similar position to meet and make life-time long friends. 

Although the weekend was jam packed with early morning starts, there was plenty of time to chill out and appreciate the amazing surroundings center parcs has to offer. With it being mid-november, center parcs had a real christmas feel about it which was an added bonus to the weekend. Prancer, Dasher, Comet and Blitzen even made an appearance! I'm guessing the other reindeers were left at the north pole. 

1st December

It has arrived. The month we all anticipate. The month full of celebrations. The month we all put on a few pounds. The month we all love, but a small minority hate (directed at all the scrooges - bah humbug to you!). The month father christmas comes along on his sleigh and fits his large cookies & milk filled belly down our fire places and leaves gifts for us to find on the 25th. The month were all suppose to tell the truth, according to Love Actually. Lastly, the month I was diagnosed with cancer.
So, Hello December, we have all been waiting.

Porta-what?

It was only 7.15am and I had already endured a short car ride, walk to the station, an over-ground train, an under-ground train and another walk to UCLH. I can't speak for my Mum, but I was definitely ready for bed and my day had only just begun.

I sat in an unfamiliar reception area, slightly dazed, waiting for my name to be called. "Alexandra Spain, would you like to come through". I was showed to a bed in a children's ward, as being 17 at the time was an awkward age as I was just above the children's age criteria but just below the adults. I changed into some more comfortable pyjama's and attempted to get some more sleep or at least peacefully shut my eyes. I then discovered that this wasn't going to be possible. Children, and I'm talking small babies here, were crying around me. Although I couldn't see them with my eyes, their painful cries made me feel uncomfortable and saddened me to think that such young children were most likely suffering an awful disease when their lives had barely begun. 

"Are you here to have it removed?" The nurse asked me.. I wished. I knew I had a long road ahead of me towards recovery and I would have done anything to fast forward time and be at the point where my portacath could be removed. Unfortunately, I didn't own a time machine. So there I was, patiently waiting to be taken down to theatre for an operation I wasn't even slightly prepared for. Queue the portacath. 

1st November

It is officially acceptable on my watch to start singing the Christmas songs we have been waiting to belt out at the top of our lungs all year - yes it's time to show off your inner Mariah Carey with an All I Want for Christmas sing song.  You can also bring out your Christmas penguin or reindeer pyjama's (because I know we all have a pair).

For me, November is a special month as I celebrate another year with my boyfriend on bonfire night.. remember remember the fifth of november for a whole different reason.

So, hello November. Let the Christmas countdown begin.

The greater things in life for us

Cancer comes with a whole bag full of negatives that can weigh you down, so it's difficult to see pass that and allow yourself to open your eyes to the positive things that cancer has to offer. It is hard to believe that there even are positives, but I promise you they are hiding there somewhere. The biggest positive I now see since my cancer diagnosis is realising a huge life lesson; learning not to take things for granted and to appreciate the little things; like a hug from family members or the fact that your living and breathing another day. If your lying in bed.. get up, go out, make the most of the 24 hours you have ahead of you because the hours left in your life is always decreasing, so if your able to do something with your day, do it. 

So, can cancer really be easy? Well no, but there are things that will make your battle with this dreadful disease that little bit easier and may motivate you to keep going. These 'things' I keep mentioning are charities that dedicate their time and efforts in making life easier and more enjoyable for cancer patients. The majority of charities I personally associate myself with are based on my age, eighteen, but if your an older adult, I know there are plenty of charities out there that can help you also such as http://www.shinecancersupport.org/

The most precious gift.. Life

"I need blood". Something you may hear from a vampire if they existed.. Can you tell I've been watching too much of The Vampire Diaries? But in fact, these were the words of me, lying on my landing after collapsing on the wooden floorboards with a huge crash in the middle of the night. I had woken up needing the toilet, barely being able to open my eyes and managed to unsteadily get out of bed. The next thing I re-call is finding it difficult to keep my head up which had suddenly become extremely heavy and keeping myself up right via a wall. "Do you want to go to hospital?". Why would anyone actually want to go to hospital? It is just mostly full of unwanted bad news & experiences. So no Mum, I did not want to go to hospital, especially not at 3.37am. I knew I needed a blood transfusion beforehand, but I was trying to fight against an unwanted hospital visit which was wrong of me. With the help of my Mum, I got my weakened self into bed and went back to sleep to at least attempt to re-fuel my body in preparation for a long day at the hospital the following day.. which was a Sunday. Sunday's are made for pyjama's, chilling, films, roasts (unless your my Mum & hate cooking) and for just being lazy. Sunday's are definitely not made for blood transfusions. 

Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy, Pessimistic Patty & Alex..

Debbie Downer's will always be there to rain on your parade. Negative Nancy's will always find a fault in everything or anything you do. Pessimistic Patty's will never look at the bright side of life. Then there's me.. Alex. I am only associating myself with the negative likes of Debbie, Nancy & Patty as I look back on previous post's and the word 'negative' definitely jumps to mind. Maybe I could be Annoying Alex? Angry Alex?  

Being constantly negative is far from my personality. I absolutely loved the idea of loving and living life to the fullest before I was diagnosed.. now these feelings are only heightened. I was young and all though I hadn't accomplished much with my life.. I had many, many plans. With the threat of my life being taken away from me it quickly made me realise how short life really is and has only encouraged me to pursue my dreams even further and make a career I love, Louboutins or no Louboutins. I have no intentions of not living a long, happy and healthy life. Although this experience has made me question things such as, do I want to bring another life into this cruel world? I would rather take this experience as a more positive learning lesson than a negative bump in the road. I love to focus on the positive's, but I definitely know what it feels like to not see any positives in a life full of chemotherapy, steroids, blood transfusions and hospital's (I'm at it again with the negativity..).

Battling hospital stays

Before my diagnosis, I had only spent one night in a hospital. One night, that's nothing. I was pretty high on morphine so I cant even remember that one night. So, it was a pretty big shock to the system to be spending 2 and a half weeks in a hospital. I must admit, at UCLH all the patients are so spoiled by all the hospital staff including the nurses, cleaners, activity co-ordinators and more. At the time I didn't appreciate what they all did for me to the max because I didn't really know any difference. But wow, the spoiled statement is no exaggeration now I've experienced stays in different hospitals.

For cancer patients if your temperature hits 38, its game over. Your straight to your local hospital to be admitted and hooked up to antibiotics. It is so important to be taken to your local hospital as you don't know what nasty infection or virus could be brewing inside of you. Sadly for me, I am not too keen on my local hospital. Even before I had ever been to UCLH, I still didn't like it. So, whenever my temperature has hit 38 I have cried at the mere fact that I will be spending the next few days or so at a hospital filled of happiness, sunshine, bright coloured walls and surrounded by staff that have smiles from ear to ear.. Ha. Ha. Sarcasm at it's finest.

1st October

I am definitely ready for golden and misty mornings, crisp air, darker and longer evenings and to watch the beauty of nature unravel around me. Personally, this time of year is one of my favourites and also close to my heart as it is breast cancer awareness month. 

Its starting to become almost acceptable to bring out your big winter coats (especially with the great british weather we endure). It will start to become more difficult for cancer patients to find warm clothing that allows their port or pic-line to be easily accessed.. But cosying up by the fire (or a radiator will do) with a warm drink after a long day of treatment will make it better - apologies for being so damn cliché. If someone is feeling too rough to go out after their treatment they won't feel so left out at this time of year due to a large percentage of brits choosing to spend their weekends indoors in favour for tv shows like the x-factor and strictly come dancing. 

I haven't even mentioned the best bit.. Halloween. You'll have a good 31 days to decide on your chosen fancy dress outfit, preferably something a little more outside of the box and avoiding the obvious witch, devil or sexy cat idea. As a child I was not allowed to trick or treat as my mum didnt believe in the silly American tradition, but as I've grown older I have become to quite childishly love this day that comes around once a year! (Sorry mum). So, Hello October. 

Sprinkle of happiness.. but a sprinkle of shit first

Preparation for this trip had been taking place for months now. Everyone had been counting down the days.. except my clueless mum. We were about to celebrate her very special birthday in the city of love, Paris. I was so convinced that there would be no obstacle that would in any way jeopardise this trip as I would be on maintenance. And maintenance seemed so simple.. So I thought.

I may have only been on maintenance for about 5 weeks but I had discussed my plans with my specialist nurse and consultant months before the trip to ensure I would be okay before we hit the confirm button on all the trains tickets and accommodation. If only I knew that luck wasn't going to be on my side the few days ahead of the trip.

Does the heart ache ever end?

It is safe to say I have had one of the hardest 18 months of my life. I am only 18 years old and it is refreshing to know I have many more happy years to come, but at the moment, the past year or so has been extremely low. As soon as things start to pick up, something comes and shits on my happiness. Sorry that I cant keep it PG but my aggravation has got the better of me.

Last week, I lost my beloved dog Lulu.

Welcome back hair

Welcome back to the hair that I never imagined in a million years would ever leave my head.. unless I did it voluntarily, which is definitely not what happened! I knew cancer was going to take away my hair but I wasn't prepared for it to happen so quickly. But at least I can it is a gradual and graceful process. I imagined rough patches falling out in big clumps from my head but that is far from what  actually happened. 

Battling hair growth

I sat on my hospital bed (not even discharged since my cancer diagnosis) and I could feel my hair becoming loose at the top of my head. As soon as I felt that loose feeling and started to find little strands of my hair (which lead to clumps) leaving a trail behind my every move, my thoughts quickly turned to question mode. When will it grow back? How long will it take me to grow it to this length again? Will the colour be the same? Will it be as thick? Will it grow back curly? straight? frizzy? .. The worst thought of them all is, will it ever grow back? It might seem like a stupid thought, but it is likely to cross most cancer patients mind at some point. It certainly crossed mine, numerous times. "It may not grow back in rare circumstances" I read online - bad move. Rare circumstances? I was one of those already as it is considered rare to be diagnosis with cancer as a child, teenager or young adult. But there's nothing like thinking negatively is there.

A big realisation

Battling cancer and my friendships

In reality, cancer did two things to my friendships; strengthen the bond or caused the friendships to sadly deteriorate.

From my personal experience, cancer affected my friendships in both ways. I bonded more strongly with the friends that stuck by my side… and I lost the friends that turned a blind eye to my suffering. You would think an illness as severe as cancer would instantly strengthen the friendships I had prior to my diagnosis, but for some of my friends, it pushed them away from me. To this day, I have never had any explanations as to why the friends I once had stopped speaking to me. It didn’t take long for me to put two and two together, once I was diagnosed, the texts and calls started to stop and the visits were non existent. Maybe they didn’t know how to deal with my diagnosis? But if the tables were turned, I would have never left them in their darkest days. I didn’t even have time to be sad, angry or stress about the loss of these friendships, I had more important things to focus on at the time, like beating cancer. But that was only the beginning of my lost friendships; some friends were there in the beginning, and then slowly disappeared. This hurt me the most. I understand that it was an important year at sixth form /college for everyone. Studying hard and working was they personal priorities, but all I needed was a little text or a phone call to know that they were still there. But I wont let these deteriorated friendships consume me.

Hello September

It may be four days into the month.. But hello September. This month should bring lots of new beginnings for people; whether starting a new school, university or job. Personally for me, this month brings a lot of happiness as I celebrate my mums birthday & start planning for my future away from cancer.

 Every month will bring a cancer patient one step closer to their end of treatment, allowing them to stay positive about welcoming a new month. So I welcome September with big open arms, as should everyone else.

1st August

Let this be a reminder that everyone is one month closer to good health and happiness.
Whether it is a birthday or end of treatment around the corner..
 Be happy that you are here to celebrate another month full of surprises. 

Introducing Gloria

After my rapid hair loss, I quickly took a trip to Afro Cosmetics and purchased my first synthetic wig. It was one of the best £14 I had spent in a long time. Of course, at £14 it wasnt perfect quality and it did have a funky fringe going on, but at the time, it would do. I covered the dodgey fringe with a woolly hat and I was good to go. It wasn't until late January that I attended my Little Princess Trust wig fitting and the whole 'wearing a wig' game changed.

Today's thought ..

Battling leukaemia & treatment

This post might not appeal to everyone, but if I can help even just one person that is struggling with the diagnosis of acute lymphoblastic leukaemia (ALL), then it is well worth it.

When I was first diagnosed with ALL, I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t want to know what it was. Professionals were telling me what was happening to my body, but it was as if my mind did not want to process what I was hearing. I just knew it was cancer, that’s all I needed to know at the time. That I was 17 years old and had just been diagnosed with a form of blood cancer that I only knew the name of from a film, ‘Now is Good’. And if im completely honest, if someone said to me what is leukaemia? I could probably only give you a brief answer.

The light at the end of the tunnel

Cancer becomes a world full of darkness that you feel like you can’t escape. You can’t escape cancer, but you can escape the darkness. It might not look like it or feel like it in the beginning, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Its been 6 long months since I was diagnosed back in December, and honestly, if you told me I can get through this then, I would have given you one of those evil stares and looked away. I didn't feel like I could get through this, I was suppose to be just starting my life, and instead, I had to start fighting for it.

1st June

Battling appearance

I love fashion and makeup and all things girly like doing different hair styles, fake tanning and attempting to get that kim kardashian contoured makeup (which is destined to fail every time). But don't get me wrong, leave me alone in a field full of mud and horses and I will be out there all day getting down and dirty, makeup free and my hair full of straw and maybe some horse poop if I'm really lucky. 

So, when I was diagnosed with leukaemia, appearance was a massive factor that affected me and I knew it was going to change. I remember one of the first things I said when a nurse asked me what I was worried about, I had literally just been wheeled into the cancer ward from the ambulance and just given my bed on the ward, my thought's didn't jump to where I was, what was happening to me and how long I would be here.. I was just worried about loosing my long locks. Which I now look back on and think how incredibly vein of me that was.

It's okay to cry

If your abit like me, you don't like crying. Crying shows vulnerability. And who wants to show people that they are vulnerable? Its like an antelope saying "hey you lions come and eat me".

When I was first diagnosed, Niagara falls fell down my cheeks. But to be honest, I cant remember when I stopped crying. Probably when I had nothing left in me. And this was just the beginning.

Battling loneliness

Do I feel lonely? Not anymore. But did I feel lonely? Of course. I could be sat in a room full of people and still feel so alone.

When I was first diagnosed, I isolated myself. I barely left my hospital room for 2 and a half weeks. I didn't want to risk bumping into any other patients or interact with them. I think I just denied what was happening to me. I didnt want to accept what was going on and I just wanted it all to stop. My positive mentality (which I now have) wasn't there. I remember being taken to the Macmillan Centre for the first time in a wheelchair and I refused to go into the area where everyone has their treatment on the chairs. Why did I do that? Maybe because I felt like I didn't belong there, I'm not entirely sure. I didn't want to mingle with 'sick' people, even though I was sick myself. By isolating myself away from the only people that could make me feel a part of something just made it worst for me, but I was oblivious to that.

What it feels like to be on steroids

If you know, you know. Steroids can be a right pain in the bum. They can be used in treatment schedules for all different types of illnesses, not just cancer. My treatment included 5 long weeks worth of steroids which started to make me turn a little looney. It can mess with your emotions and can make the treatment process difficult to deal with. But it gets better.. eventually. Everyone has different steroid experiences and mine was pretty emotional. Every emotion I felt was extremely heightened, so a not so angry and easily upset girl turned into a crying machine that went from a 1 to a 10 in a matter of seconds on the anger scale. It also distrupted my sleep, and who isnt a little cranky when they havent had enough sleep?

Battling Hair Loss

Hair loss is a big deal. For both girls and boys. And I dont just mean the hair on your head, your eyelashes, your eyebrows, your leg hair (which girls may jump for joy about), any hair on your body may begin to thin and fall out due to chemotherapy.

My mum had blessed me with long, thick brown hair which I loved. Sometimes I would moan about it; my hair fell out on a daily basis anyway, I would get headaches if my hair was tied up for too long, it would get stuck in my jacket zipper and bags, curls would drop out after seconds. Sometimes it was just a nightmare. But I still loved my hair. I won the ‘Best Hair’ award at school. I hated going to the hairdressers just to get a little trim. I never thought in a million years I would be left with no hair on my head. I was born with more hair than I have now. But I have finally been able to accept my situation and all the side effects that comes with it which includes hair loss.

Ending & Starting the Year at UCLH

I spent 2 and a half long, daunting weeks at the University College London Hospital where I would start my chemotherapy. If im honest my hospital experience is quite a blur, its as if my brain doesn't want me to remember that part of my life.

What I do remember is that I was in a private room and I just kept to myself. Honestly, I was selfish. I didnt want to get involved with any sick people, which now makes me feel like a total bitch. I hardly left my room and slept the days away. I cant even remember my Christmas day that well, my favourite time of year. I was lucky enough to have a good solid unit around me full of friends, family and my boyfriend that came to visit me to keep me half sane. My mum didnt leave my side the whole time and slept in the bed next to me. I bet she was missing her bed at home just as much as me.

Not only did I spend the Christmas period in hospital, but I went into 2015, in hospital. But to me, that didnt even matter anymore, I was with the most important people in my life. 

Teenage love & teenage cancer

Since 2012 it is safe to say we have been through our fair share of ups and downs. Not exactly with each other, but in our own lives. The up's allowed us to appreciate one another and the downs made us stronger as a couple and supportive of one another. So, being diagnosed with cancer as a teenager was a huge downer and it will test & strain our relationship in ways we couldn't imagine or even prepare for.

Not only was my world crumbling down due to my diagnosis but everyone I loved was being brought down with me, including Lukas.

I can honestly say that this guy has seen me at my happiest and saddest points in my short life. I hope this continues and he see's me at the point of my last ever chemotherapy session (expected to be in 2017). I wouldn't want to cry on anyone else's shoulder, I wouldn't want anyone else to tell me its going to be okay, I wouldn't want anyone else by my hospital bedside, I wouldn't want to share my steroid induced rages with anyone else (sorry) and I certainly couldn't imagine going through this without him.. So, thank you & I love you.

Our 2 year anniversary.. Just 6 weeks later our world was turned upside down.

The battle begins

Cancer. One word, that nobody wants to hear. Whether its yourself, a family member, a friend, your pet even, that one word changes everything. It’s everywhere, in films, books, media, reality. But for me, reality was one place I never expected to experience cancer. But I was mistaken.

I would say that my problems started in November of 2014. But infact, I had a pretty rough year. Don't get me wrong, it was full of fantastic memories - my first festival experience, going away with my boyfriend , receiving good grades, getting a job and more. But I also experienced alot of knock backs. And literally, on the 23^rd of May I was knocked over by a car whilst crossing the road. I completely blacked out, which isn't surprising since I was thrown 30 feet down the road and ended up underneath a parked car. I only have vivid memories of that night; the sound of sirens, being knocked about in the back of a speeding ambulance and thinking what the hell just happened. I was taken to the royal London hospital where I received excellent care and attention. I ended up spending the night there, my first stay in hospital in all my 17 years. What a surprise I had coming ahead of me towards the end of the year.

I started to experience intense pain one Friday night. I literally felt as if my chest was crushing my insides. I had never been in so much pain and at one stage I thought I was having a heart attack. The pain seemed to intensify as I struggled and stressed, which lead to me having a panic attack. And the worst thing was, no-one was home to help me or calm me down. Both my mum and my boyfriend was in town and couldn't get to me until the early hours of the morning. I think when you experience such pain, your mind trys to block it from your memory as all I remember was trying to browse soothing music on spotify to help calm me down. And that, was the start of a grueling 3 weeks until my diagnosis.

We put our faith and trust in doctors and the NHS system. So when you are told you have a virus, or the pain is psychological, you believe them. I’m one of those people that tries to accept pain and power through, but honestly I didnt have any power left in me. I had been trying to get through to the doctors surgery for half an hour to be told there were no appointments left, I just broke down in tears and hung up on the receptionist and called my mum at work straight away. She then called and begged for a doctor to speak to me on the phone. Once I finally spoke to a doctor, I think he could hear the distress in my voice and said he will give me an emergency appointment and to come to the doctors straight away. So, that is exactly what I did at 10 o’clock, to be told that my ‘appointment’ was at 12. Again, in my emotional state, I broke down infront of a crowd of people and was seen straight away. But to my disappointment the doctor only said the same as the doctors beforehand had said, that I had a common virus, the rashes on my legs were from shaving and that I was drained from my emotional state and that I should come back to seek psychological help. Isnt that a mentally stimulating booster, making me think that I was depressed. But thankfully, this doctor sent for me to have a blood test done to put my ‘mind at rest’. That blood test, was the answer to my problems.

All in all, I I took 3 trips to A&E and numerous visits to my local doctors. All I needed was a simple blood test which took 3 weeks of agony for me to get. I had been in A&E 2 times previously almost screaming in pain and no-one thought to give me a routine blood test. I remember being stared at in the A&E waiting room. People looked at me as if I was a crazy person as they sat their with their sniffly noses, as if seeing someone in genuine pain was an uncommon sight for an A&E waiting room.  But my 3^rd visit to A&E, was my last.

Nothing is ever simple. I had my blood test done around lunch time, but I waited a long 5 hours or so to finally be seen by a doctor. As time went on, my pain subsided and it just became a waiting game. Me and my mum just sat in the waiting room, minding our own business and just hoping to go home soon. She quickly went outside to pay the parking meter when I was taken to a side room to be spoken to, the doctor said there was something not quite right with my blood and that he would be back. I just shrugged my shoulder when my mum returned and repeated what the doctor had told me, we didnt even bat an eye lid about it. So once again, I was told to go back to the waiting room. By this time, it was about 5 o’clock and a swarm of doctors gathered round behind me. Me and my mum actually joked about it saying how it was obviously clocking out time and the doctors were getting ready to go home. But to my surprise, they were all for me.

She sat me down. And she was very upfront about it. No hesitation. No trying to put it nicely. She simply said ‘We think you have Leukeamia’. Tears began rolling down my face. I was shaking. My hand covered my mouth. I said nothing. I didnt look at anyone, not even my mum who was crouched infront of me. I finally was able to make out some words. And im not going to glorify the situation, Im going to be honest. My words were, ‘Am I going to die?’.

So, on Friday the 19^th of December, I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia. And my journey to recovery began at University College London Hospital.